


Same Old Empty Feelings

by dontlietomehoney



Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 02:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontlietomehoney/pseuds/dontlietomehoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt can't take it anymore, this empty feeling when he thinks about Josh. He remembers the good times, but he also remembers the worst, and has already made the decision to make the memories stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Same Old Empty Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS-attempted suicide. PLEASE read with caution.

Matt took a long deep breath, his knuckles white as he gripped the bathroom counter. For the first time in months he felt calm. Or rather, he felt nothing. And fuck if that wasn’t a relief. He had gone so long feeling so completely torn apart, and he just couldn’t handle it anymore. He was done.

Even looking in the mirror, he could see it. His eyes were sunken in, dark smudges showing how much sleep he had lost, and his hair was a fucking mess. The usually styled waves were dull and oily, sticking up at odd angles and much too shaggy to be presentable. Matt lifted a hand to touch the tangled lumps and let out a sigh.

It was time to get ready.

He undressed slowly, going first to turn the shower on to let it get hot, and folded his dirty clothes neatly as he set them in the hamper in the corner. And then he looked in the mirror again, seeing the shell he had become. Ribs sticking out from under pale and ashen skin, and his muscles had long since melted into nothing. It left his chest looking frail and his stomach sunken in. He had become a skeleton in such a short amount of time.

Well…

It had been a year now. Exactly.

This was the anniversary, and Matt wasn’t going to let the good date go to waste. It was perfect. He was going to make it all perfect again.

Stepping into the shower, Matt scrubbed at his body, scraping away the sweat and grime and filth that he had somehow allowed himself to live in. The hot water was steaming the air around him and it helped his lungs open up, giving him more air to breathe than he had given himself in a very long time. It wasn’t until he started working the knots out of his ratted hair that he let himself remember it all.

*          *          *

_“Hey…uh, can I talk to you Matt?” Josh asked nervously._

_Matt smiled, nodding and getting up from where he had sat down beside Ian after the show that night. “Sure,” he hummed. “What about?”_

_Josh bit his lip and jerked his head in the direction of the back of the bus. “Can we talk in private?”_

_“Oh… uh yeah. Sure man.”_

_The younger man followed Josh to the back room of the bus and took a seat on the small couch. He watched carefully as Josh shut the door, closing them in together._

_“What’s up man? You alright?” Matt started._

_“Uh…”_

_Josh was practically shaking with worried energy, and he wouldn’t sit down next to Matt when the younger man insisted. So Matt got to his feet, planting them firmly in front of the older man, and barred him in against the door he had just shut._

_“What’s wrong Josh?” he demanded. The singer was really starting to worry him. “Tell me yeah? I’m right here.”_

_“Uh,” Josh started again, swallowing hard. “I just… I don’t know how to say it without you hating me…”_

_Matt’s heart plummeted to his stomach. “Is this about, um, the addictions?”_

_“What?” Josh frowned, confusion clear on his face._

_“Are you using again?” Matt asked softly. “Is that what all this is about?”_

_Josh’s eyes widened in understanding then, “No! Of course not! This is something else.”_

_Matt felt relief wash over him. “Well tell me then!”_

_The singer looked nervous again, wringing his hands together between their bodies. Matt suddenly realized how close he had leaned into Josh when he felt the older man’s knuckles brush against his stomach. He sucked in a breath._

_“Well… we all know I’ve never really been a stranger to people thinking I’m…gay,” Josh started quietly._

_Matt just nodded and Josh let out a shaky sigh._

_“It’s true though,” he whispered. “I like guys… well one guy…”_

_“Who is he?” Matt asked with a low tone._

_He wasn’t surprised at all by the admission that Josh was into men. Like the singer had said, that wasn’t anything new. Or at least it wasn’t something that would have ever bothered Matt. He didn’t care about that. He cared about Josh. Bottom line._

_However, he wasn’t too keen on the singer admitting he liked a specific guy. For some reason that sent Matt’s stomach even lower, his muscles tightening in his chest._

_“What’s his name Josh?” He asked when the singer had stayed quiet. “Where did you meet him?”_

_“Choir,” Josh whispered, his voice barely audible._

_Matt froze and Josh looked up at him with watery eyes._

_“In high school,” Josh said around a tentative smile. “He was the most awkward, dorkiest kid but I kind of love hi- MM!”_

_The guitarist had jolted forward, his heart racing at Josh’s words, and he had sealed their lips together. He brought his hands away from the door where he had cornered Josh and let them frame the older man’s jaw instead, holding him close as he deepened the kiss. Josh just sighed softly, slumping forward against Matt’s chest._

_Eventually the younger man pulled away though, his lips shiny and red, swollen. Josh’s looked much the same. Matt breathed hard._

_“Why didn’t you ever tell me before?” Matt asked._

_Josh blushed. He fucking blushed, and Matt loved the flushed look to his pale cheeks. The younger man leaned their foreheads together, just wanting to be closer._

_“I was scared you wouldn’t feel the same way,” Josh murmured shyly. “Do you hate me?”_

_Matt scoffed. “Would I have kissed you if I hated you?”_

_Josh seemed to consider the question for a second before shaking his head and smiling a little wider. “I guess not, huh?”_

_“Yeah,” Matt chuckled lightly. “Definitely not.”_

_The younger man tilted his head to rub his nose against Josh’s in a sort of Eskimo kiss, and the singer’s eyes fluttered shut. And then a sigh escaped his lips, the warm air ghosting over Matt’s lips making his entire body tingle._

_“I love you too, you know?” Matt whispered._

_Their lips were still so close._

_Josh’s eyes snapped open. “You do?”_

_Matt smiled and leaned forward that little bit, their mouths slotting together so damn perfectly. When he pulled back Josh looked a little dazed._

_He nodded. “I do.”_

_*          *          *_

Matt sighed heavily as he toweled himself dry. He felt so heavy again when he had just started feeling a little lighter. He wouldn’t let that bother him though. He was going to do this. He had it planned just right. No interruptions, no escaping it.

He slid on a clean pair of boxers and followed them by his favorite pair of jeans. They fit him loose now, but they were still comfortable, the material soft from being worn so much. And then he tugged on a shirt over his head. He took a moment to let his fingers brush against the hem of it though, just like Josh always did when Matt would lean back against his chest and just relax. Matt let his fingers slide under the shirt, rubbing softly at the skin just under his belly button. It wasn’t the same though.

It never would be.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he let his hand drop away from his body and back to the counter he stood in front of again. Looking up he found that the mirror was fogged over with steam from the shower. It reminded him a bit of his own head state at that moment. Foggy. Waterlogged.

Lifting a hand, he let his pointer finger slide over the glass, swirling around with a faint squeak. And then he opened the bathroom door, wanting to let the heat of his shower out. He preferred being cold now anyways. Especially now that he didn’t have Josh’s heat anymore.

He turned to the medicine cabinet, pulling the little door open and looking inside.

*          *          *

_“C’mon Matt!” Josh laughed, tugging Matt along behind him. “I don’t want to be late!”_

_Matt laughed too, stumbling as he tried to keep up with the singer. They were headed to a concert, one of Josh’s favorite obscure bands who were playing locally. And Matt was already having fun despite having to run through the streets behind the gangly man in front of him._

_He had never had as much fun with anyone besides Josh. The singer was so full of life. Loud. Sassy. Obnoxious. But he was Matt’s. And Matt was his. Nothing else mattered when he loved Josh like he did, with his whole body and not just his heart._

_Josh was his everything._

_It didn’t matter that they were slipping around wildly on the icy sidewalk in the freezing cold. Josh’s hand in Matt’s was warm. Keeping him steady. And Matt wouldn’t give it up for the world._

_“Almost there Matt!” Josh shouted again as if Matt couldn’t see the bar just up ahead._

_“Faster then!” He shouted back and picked up speed, starting to drag Josh behind him like the singer had done to him._

_Josh just laughed, the sound high pitched and breathy at the same time. He was so perfect, and Matt didn’t really care about the band they were going to see. He just wanted to listen to Josh laugh for the rest of his life. He wanted to be the reason Josh was so happy._

_Matt came to a full stop then, yanking Josh back when the older man tried to run forward still. Josh let out a soft ‘umph’ when he landed hard against Matt’s chest, whining in protest about being too late to hear the opening piece. Matt just smiled though, one arm wrapped around Josh’s waist, his other hand still holding Josh’s._

_“I love you so damn much,” Matt whispered a moment before he silenced the singer’s grumbled words with his lips._

_Josh melted against him, bringing a hand up to run through Matt’s hair, his nails scraping lightly at the back of his neck._

_When Matt finally pulled back he smiled. “We’re gonna be late!” He crowed, and started running again._

_Josh gasped, quiet for a moment as he stumbled behind Matt. But then he was laughing again. Running to keep up and holding Matt’s hand tighter than before._

_*          *          *_

Matt slowly plucked the bottles from the cabinet, one by one, setting them out in a line on the counter.

Red.

White.

Orange.

Green.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Sleep.

Pain.

Every bottle was filled with little pills. And soon, every bottle would be empty.

Matt swallowed around the lump in his throat as he shut the little door of the cabinet and looked down at the little array of medications he had been prescribed. He had taken them once when he thought they might help. But then they just made everything harder.

He had to fight to even remember his own name, let alone Josh’s, and he had felt so fucking empty. So he had stopped taking them. Stopped going to the store to get them filled and just let the bottles sit in his medicine cabinet next to the other things he didn’t use.

He liked to keep the other things though. The hairbrush, the comb, the bottle of blue hair dye that was only half full anyways. He even liked keeping the eyeliner.

He probably liked keeping that most of all.

*          *          *

_“Fuck!”_

_Matt spun around when he heard Josh’s shout behind him. They were supposed to be getting ready for their show, and Matt had already pulled on his uniform. He had been trying to get his hair under control when Josh had thrown something across the room and sat down hard on his chair in front of the mirror._

_The guitarist rushed to his side, kneeling in front of Josh and tugging lightly at his hands to try and pull them away from Josh’s face._

_“What’s wrong baby?” He asked worriedly._

_Josh just groaned, his shoulders hitching in a way that Matt recognized. The older man was about to cry, and that thought made Matt’s heart sink._

_“Hey!” He tried again. “Tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it! Please baby, let me help.”_

_“You can’t,” Josh wailed, throwing himself against the back of his seat and waving his hands around, trying to push Matt away._

_No one ever said he wasn’t dramatic._

_Matt got up then, gripping Josh’s face with his hands and forcing the older man to look at him. The watery shine to Josh’s eyes made Matt’s chest clench even tighter._

_“Tell me what’s wrong,” he spoke softly._

_Josh sniffled weakly and shrugged his shoulders. “My fucking eyeliner won’t go on right,” he choked out._

_Matt cooed softly, running his thumb under Josh’s eye when a tear slipped passed his lashes. “It’ll be okay baby.”_

_“It won’t though,” Josh groaned. “I feel so fucking stupid cause it’s just makeup, but I can’t go out without it!”_

_The younger man turned away for a moment, rummaging around in Josh’s things while the singer continued to ramble. When he found what he was looking for though, Matt smiled and turned back to face the older man and dipped down to catch his lips with his own._

_Josh whimpered into the kiss, pushing up to feel more of Matt against him. The guitarist eventually pushed Josh back though, hitching a knee up on the chair between Josh’s legs to lean over him. And he held up the pencil of eyeliner he had found._

_“I’ll help you okay?” He offered._

_The singer looked skeptical, but nodded anyways, biting his lip out of anxiety._

_Matt took the little cap off and set it behind him before leaning a little closer and smiling._

_“I’ll take good care of you okay baby?” Matt whispered._

_“Just do it, okay?” Josh whispered back, sounding defeated._

_Matt nodded and lifted both of his hands, steadying the pencil in his right before tilting Josh’s head back with his left._

_“Close your eyes,” he murmured._

_Josh did as he was told, and Matt got to work. He pressed the tip of the eye liner to the inside corner of Josh’s eye and let it drag just a bit in little strokes across the singer’s eyelid. Matt could tell why it wasn’t working very well though. The liner wasn’t smooth enough._

_Pulling back for just a moment, Matt dug around in his coat pocket to find the lighter Josh always left there. And then he was flicking it on, holding the tip of the pencil just above the flame for a moment to heat it up before letting the lighter die down. Looking up again he found Josh watching him closely, and Matt smiled as he blew cool air over the hot tip of the liner and leaned back in._

_The singer’s eyes fluttered shut again after his momentary surprise, and Matt started over with the liner._

_He smiled and gave a murmured, “Much better,” as the black edge around Josh’s eye became smoother._

_Keeping his hand steady, Matt drew a thick line of the makeup like he knew Josh wanted and moved on to the other eye to do the same before tapping lightly at Josh’s shoulder._

_“Open now, gotta get the bottoms.”_

_Josh let his eyes open slowly, and Matt realized the singer’s breathing had slowed down too. He smiled and leaned in to brush his lips across the older man’s cheek._

_“Almost done baby,” he hummed._

_And then he was smudging the eyeliner along Josh’s bottom lashes, darkening the line a bit more on both sides before finally setting the pencil down behind him and staring down at the older man below him._

_“Gorgeous babe,” he smiled._

_Josh smiled weakly for the first time since he threw his first pencil of liner and looked around the younger man to see himself in the mirror. His smile widened. And then Matt was enveloped in strong arms, Josh’s warmth seeping into him yet again._

_“Thank you,” Josh mumbled._

_Matt kissed at the spot behind Josh’s ear, trailing a soft line down to the singer’s neck and biting down lightly. “You’re welcome baby.”_

_Josh pulled back and smiled again._

_He had never looked so happy._

_*          *          *_

Matt still felt numb as he carried the bottles out of the bathroom. He had hoped he might feel something like excitement, worried he might feel something like terror. But he felt nothing. That was alright though. He was tired of feeling. Tired in general actually.

And that was why he planned to do this while lying in bed.

So he could relax, be comfortable.

And it didn’t hurt that it was the same bed which he had shared with Josh for so long. When he got to the room, he at least mustered up a smile. The blankets were already pulled back on his side, the dark comforter blue on one side and red on the other. So much like Josh and his stupid wardrobe choices for shows.

Candy apple red and cobalt blue shiny latex pants. Skin tight and so damn sexy.

Matt’s smile fell as his chest began to ache.

Shuffling around to his side of the bed, the guitarist set the bottles down on the bedside table and slowly laid himself down on the mattress. There was a certain give which told of how long he had lain in this exact same spot before. For hours on end, days and weeks, he hadn’t been able to pull himself out of bed at all, wanting to stay close to the one spot in the house that still smelled like him. Like Josh.

He had tried to get better, to actually feel something again for the people who were still with him. But so often he just found himself curled around Josh’s pillow, taking deep, ragged breaths to suck in more of his scent.

He missed him so fucking much.

*          *          *

_“You’ll never leave me right?” Josh asked._

_Matt frowned through the darkness of their bedroom, tightening his arm around Josh’s waist where he held him close._

_“Josh what are you talking about? Never. I would never leave you,” Matt answered._

_“Because you love me?”_

_The younger man was so confused. Sitting up a bit he rolled Josh over onto his back and hovered over him. Reaching over briefly, he flicked the light on which sat on the bedside table. Josh was blushing beneath him, biting his lip with worry like he so often did, and he wouldn’t meet Matt’s eyes._

_“I love you more than anything Josh,” Matt whispered._

_That got the older man’s attention, his blue eyes shooting up to Matt’s face in search of sincerity. “Really?”_

_“Josh,” Matt let his weight press down on the older man, wanting to be so much closer. “You mean the fucking world to me. You make me so damn happy. You were always the one for me, no matter what happened in between us getting together. The girls? Nicole? They never made me love them as much as I ever loved you. And you hadn’t even tried when I fell for you. I didn’t even know you loved me back.”_

_The older man’s eyes were a bit watery, but his lips were quirked in a small smile. Matt smiled too._

_“So, no baby, I would never leave you. Not in a million years,” Matt finished._

_Josh was beaming, his face split wide in a perfect smile. And then Matt was being yanked down, the older man’s arms wrapped tight around his shoulders._

_“I love you,” Josh mumbled into the crook of Matt’s neck._

_“I love you too,” Matt sighed happily. “Always.”_

_The younger man rolled them onto their sides and heard a soft hum of appreciation come from the singer’s chest. And he just let himself be held for a while, his fingers working slowly through Josh’s hair until his arm got tired and he laid a soft kiss to the crown of the older man’s head._

_“And you’ll never leave me either right?” he asked softly._

_Matt didn’t get an answer though, and when he shifted enough to look down at Josh beside him, he found that Josh had already fallen asleep, a small smile still on his face. Matt smiled too, tangling their legs together and twisting to turn the light off before drifting off himself._

_*          *          *_

Matt slowly brought the first pills to his lips, vaguely registering that he held most of the first bottle in his hand before tipping his head back and taking them into his mouth. And then he reached for the water he had set by his side before he even went to shower, chewing a few of the pills to powder before he swallowed a mouthful of water to wash the bitter taste away.

His stomach gave a whine of protest after having been so empty for so long, but Matt ignored the sound and poured a few more pills into his hand to repeat the process of before.

Chew.

Swallow.

Chew.

Swallow.

The bitterness in his mouth was getting worse the more Matt bit down on the little tablets, but he didn’t care. He knew it would only help this go faster. The next handful of pills he brought to his mouth was from the second bottle, the first having been discarded after being emptied completely.

And again.

Chew.

Swallow.

Chew.

Swallow.

Next bottle.

His eyes were drooping by then, vision swimming as his motions began to feel a bit delayed. His stomach was sloshing with all the liquid and pills, but Matt didn’t care. He was already half way through the third bottle, and the numbing sensation it was sending through his limbs was beginning to feel like heaven. Matt supposed he wouldn’t end up in any place actually like heaven though, not when he was going out like this. Ending it all himself because he was so damn tired.

It didn’t really matter now though. It was almost finished. Slamming back another handful of the pills Matt threw the empty bottle to the floor and picked up the last. One more bottle. He was already so close, his body shutting down and his mind starting to fuzz out.

But it wasn’t fast enough.

He could still remember all the things that had pushed him to this, and he didn’t want that.

He just wanted this to go so much faster.

*          *          *

_“Slow down!” Matt shouted frantically._

_He didn’t know what was wrong, but whatever had happened had made Josh pack his bags, the older man avoiding any kind of eye contact with the younger as he picked up his pace through the house and out the front door._

_“Please!” Matt begged._

_The desperation in his voice must have finally gotten through, making Josh freeze halfway down the driveway. And he was so still as Matt finally caught up to him. It was almost frightening. Since the instant Matt had found the singer hurriedly packing his duffel, the singer had been moving quickly, practically vibrating with anxiety. But now he was completely still, his chest barely rising with the slight intakes of breath he allowed himself._

_Matt tried to reach out for the older man’s hand though, and that finally made Josh move. Flinch. He wouldn’t allow the touch, and Matt felt his eyes prick with tears._

_“I don’t understand,” he whispered._

_“I don’t expect you to Matt,” Josh finally spoke._

_“Explain it to me then,” he spoke fast, urgently. “Tell me what I did. Tell me what went wrong… Tell me what I can do to make it better.”_

_Josh squeezed his eyes shut at that, biting at his lips, and shook his head. “It’s not something that you can make better,” he explained softly._

_The younger man frowned though. “What do you mean? Of course I can.  Baby, of course I can. You just have to tell me how!”_

_“I just-” Josh’s breath hitched, a tear slipping down his cheek when he opened his eyes. “I just can’t… I have to go; have to get away from all this for a little while.”_

_“Get away from what?” Matt tried to keep his breathing even. “From the house? From…from me?”_

_Josh’s eyes widened then, his feet moving forward until he was standing as close to Matt as he could, and lifted his hand to run his fingers across Matt’s cheek. The younger man would have felt hope from the gesture, but Josh’s eyes were so full of pain. This could only be a good bye._

_“Please don’t do this,” Matt whispered again._

_He knew now that if he spoke above that whisper, everything would break, his heart included. But it didn’t make a difference in the end anyways. Josh’s hand pressed more firmly to his cheek, feeling for the last time the warmth it had to offer and stepped back. Matt felt his chest ache._

_“Why are you doing this? What did I do?” Matt nearly whimpered then._

_Josh smiled weakly. “It wasn’t you. I can promise you that. The reason I’m doing this is to protect you.”_

_“I don’t need to be protected!” Matt objected, his cheeks heating._

_The singer simply shook his head and leaned down to lay a soft kiss to Matt’s lips. The last one the younger man would ever receive._

_“I have to go now,” Josh breathed when he finally pulled back._

_Matt couldn’t speak, just watched as Josh stepped around him and continued on down the driveway to his waiting car. Just as the older man reached for his door handle though, Matt spoke up._

_“Will you ever be back?”_

_All he needed was a yes…anything to give him hope that things between them could be fixed. Because Matt knew, he KNEW he wouldn’t be able to survive without at least that much. Josh just stared at him for a long time though, his face contorted with a silent apology._

_“I don’t know,” he finally answered._

_Matt felt like his insides were tearing apart. “You don’t know…”_

_“What I do know though,” Josh spoke a little more clearly, determination clear in his voice. “What I do know is that I always loved you Matty, and I’m sorry it has to be like this.”_

_Before the younger man could respond to that, Josh was yanking his car door open and ducking in to speed off down the street. Matt stumbled back inside, shutting the door softly behind him, leaning his back against it silently as he slid to the floor. The tears he had so desperately been trying to hide were finally staining his cheeks with their wetness._

*          *          *

Josh took a long deep breath, his knuckles white as he gripped the bathroom counter. His eyes were squeezed shut, his breath coming out and going in with a ragged edge. It had been so long since he had been back. A little over a year, he thought. And he couldn’t believe why he had been brought back. When he left, he had thought Matt would be fine, the younger man always so resilient. Always trying to fix Josh, a smile plastered to his face and a warm kiss waiting for Josh when he needed it.

The singer guessed he should have been the one doing the fixing though, and felt his chest ache with the realization.

He had caused it. All of it.

And it was eating away at him.

It had only taken one phone call. One. And he had been in his car, racing down the highway to get to where he knew he needed to be. Mike had been frantic over the line, and Josh had known instantly that something was wrong. If he knew anything it was that Mike was always the calm headed member of their little ragtag friendship circle. But when he had picked up the phone and barely even been able to make out the words Mike was spouting, Josh had tensed.

And now he was back in Matt’s house, back where he had been so happy. He hadn’t always been happy though, and that had been why he left. He had slipped. Relapsed when he had fought for so many years to be better. So he had to go. He wasn’t good enough for Matt anyways, and he had thought the younger man would be alright without him. He hadn’t been lying though, when he said it wasn’t the younger man’s fault. Josh didn’t even really remember what had made him turn to a blade rather than his boyfriend, but he couldn’t let his corruption get to the man he loved.

He almost laughed bitterly at the irony of that thought.

Josh sighed heavily though, finally letting his eyes open, and lifted his hand to crank the sink’s faucet on. He turned it all the way to the left, wanting the water hot and waited. It wasn’t long before he could see and feel the heat of the steam rising from the sink, and he just let it run for a long moment before turning the handle back to the right a bit so he wouldn’t scald his skin.

Cupping his hands, the singer let them fill with water before leaning down and pressing his face down into the silky warmth. That alone just made his chest ache. So many nights he had stood in that exact spot cleaning his face while Matt stood beside him waiting for a turn at the sink, a toothbrush hanging between his teeth and garbled words tumbling from his lips. Josh had always just laughed, looking up at the younger man with fake exasperation and a real smile curving his lips.

He looked up then too, after letting the water slip through his fingers and rubbing his cheeks a bit. Seeing the mirror though, he leapt back with a shout, shoulders slamming back against the wall.

The steam had fogged the shiny surface, but revealed two simple words.

‘I’m Sorry.’

“Jesus,” Josh gasped a moment before he slapped his hand over his mouth to hold back a sob.

He could almost see Matt there, his thin fingers tracing over the surface before going to the bedroom and swallowing all those pills.

Josh could taste bile at the back of his throat and darted to the side, just barely getting the lid of the toilet up before his stomach heaved and emptied. Over and over his body forced out the little food his mother had made him eat that morning until he was offering nothing but stomach acid. His throat worked, sore and burning, saliva pooling under his tongue before he spit it out into the bowl before him and tried to settle down. Slumping down, he reached up blindly to push the handle down and flush away the sickness.

His ribs ached, slightly pulsing from all the sudden heaves, but Josh didn’t care. He didn’t deserve any better anyways. He allowed himself to get up though, his breathing still heavy as he pulled a clean rag off the shelf beside the shower and wet it with cold water to run over his lips. He bent to spit into the sink, wanting the bitter taste to disappear, before looking up and still seeing the words Matt had left behind. They were just starting to fade, but Josh pushed his wet palm over the scrawled words. He just wanted to make them disappear, so badly. To erase them like they had never been written.

Just as his hand cleared the last of the letters, his cell phone rang from his back pocket, and Josh sighed. Leaning his forehead against the now clean glass, he lazily wiped his hand dry on his shirt before reaching back and pulling his phone out. He pressed it to his ear without even checking to see who it was that was calling. It could only be his mom or Mike.

“Yeah?”

His voice was gravel, and his throat felt like he had eaten a handful of the stuff.

“Josh,” the voice started.

It was Mike.

“What is it?” Josh asked tiredly.

There was a beat of silence.

And then, “He’s awake.”

Josh’s whole body jolted then, his voice rising to a near shout. “Matt?!”

“Yeah,” Mike told him. “And he’s asking for you.”


End file.
